by Mfon Michael
We are taught to fear failure not just the outcome, but the person we become because of it. A business collapsing isn’t just a financial loss; it’s the death of a dream and a blow to one’s identity. A marriage ending isn’t just a legal separation; it’s a profound severance of self, a failure of partnership, and a tsunami of grief. A career derailment isn’t merely a job search; it’s a sudden loss of routine, purpose, and self-worth.
When these unfortunate events hit, they don’t just affect our bank accounts or relationship status, they hijack our mental health.
The immediate fallout often manifests as anxiety, crushing sadness, and sleepless nights. Over time, this can deepen into depression, chronic self-doubt, and feelings of inadequacy, making the next step—the rebound—seem impossible. The psychological weight of a major setback can literally fracture our self-perception, leaving us staring at a shattered mirror.
Three ways of diagnosing the mental wounds that come as “failures” are:
The Business Blow
Entrepreneurial failure often carries a unique stigma. Founders wrap their entire identity around their venture. When the venture fails, the person feels they have failed entirely. A couple of years ago, I put together some money to set up a restaurant in the city where I live; and it cost me a whole lot to do that-from rent, to utensils and furniture. Just when the business was beginning to pick up and profits coming in, the City Development Authorities sent in tractors to demolish the whole premises at very short notice. All my efforts went down the drains. This led to intense sadness, guilt, shame, and sometimes, crippling financial anxiety that suffocated all other emotional processing. The mental health consequence of a business blow can instigate a sense of isolation and a difficulty trusting one’s own judgment moving forward.
The Marital Meltdown
Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is one of the most mentally tasking experiences, often equivalent to a major trauma. It triggers a profound, multi-faceted grief—for the relationship, the shared future, and the perceived “failure.” The mental health struggles include chronic sadness, betrayal trauma, and a deep drop in self-esteem, leaving the person wondering, “Was I not enough?”, “What could I have done better?”, “Why did I get myself into this?” Even when there was a good reason to walk away like domestic violence or abuse, shaking off the feeling of failure can still be an uphill task, especially in situations where you had people looking up to you.
The Career Catastrophe
Whether it’s a sudden layoff, a botched promotion, or burnout that forces a resignation from the job, career setbacks create an intense feeling of being unmoored. For many, work defines competence and social standing. The result is often intense imposter syndrome, anxiety about future employability, and a corrosive sense of purposelessness that can make even simple daily tasks feel quite overwhelming.
To build a mental health armour against this fear of failure, resilience is a vital requirement. The good news is that resilience isn’t a trait you’re born with; it’s a muscle you build through struggle. Here is how to start forging your mental armour:
- Reframe Failure as Data, Not Destiny
Stop using the word “failure” and replace it with “data point” or “hard-earned lesson.” Instead of asking, “Why did I fail?” ask, “What did this experience teach me about the market, relationships, or my boundaries?” Separating the event from your identity is the single most powerful act of resilience.
- Practice Radical Self-Compassion
You wouldn’t berate a friend going through a tough time, so stop doing it to yourself. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding. Use a simple mantra: “This is hard. I am human. I deserve patience.” Self-compassion is the antidote to shame.
- Build Your Personal Board of Directors
Resilience is a team sport. Lean heavily on your social support network. More importantly, don’t shy away from professional help. A therapist, coach, mentor or counselor can provide the objective perspective and tools you need to rewire the negative self-talk that failures embed.
- Master the Small Win
When the big picture is overwhelming, shrink your focus. Resilience grows from momentum, not miracles. Set one tiny, achievable goal each day (e.g., walk for 15 minutes, finish a chapter, and clean one room). These “small wins” rebuild your sense of agency and prove to your brain that you can, in fact, still succeed.
- Create Boundaries around the Loss
Set limits on how much time you dedicate to mourning or dwelling on the setback. You must mourn, but you must not live in the cemetery. Schedule time to process, then deliberately engage in activities like hobbies, exercise, social time that remind you of the parts of your identity the failure couldn’t touch.
It is very important to create your phoenix Moment!
The most beautiful structures are those that have been rebuilt after a fire. Resilience isn’t about avoiding the flames; it’s about learning how to stand in them without getting consumed, and knowing exactly what you need to rebuild stronger. You are not defined by the one chapter where the story ended abruptly. Your resilience is defined by the next chapter which is the one you are writing right now.
Get back to the drawing board.
The world is waiting for your comeback story!